Hard Lessons

For those of you that don't know, I play the violin.  I have played for the past six years and have become very involved with my youth orchestra program as well as occasionally playing at my church and special events.  I started playing because I saw my sister (who is an incredible musician) playing the violin.  I used to like to copy everything she did because I looked up to her so much.  (It has taken me years to admit that I copied her in everything, so if she is reading this she is probably doing a happy dance...)  Coming from a musical family where music education is a priority, I have been playing music in various forms for the past ten years of my life.  Naturally, I loved playing the violin even though I sometimes hated to practice.  Even so, I practiced every single day for the next 4 1/2 years.  

Last fall, I finally decided that I was ready to "be serious" and practice a lot so that I could actually become a decent violinist.  I began to double my practice time in order to achieve this goal.  And then one day shortly after Thanksgiving last year, I suddenly got a shooting pain in my hand as I was playing.  At first, I didn't think much of it.  I took a break from my playing and then went back to it later that day, but my hand still hurt.  I had never had much pain when I was playing, so this was a new experience for me.  Over the next two days, the pain seemed to move up my arm.  I began to get scared because it didn't seem to be going away.  I Googled tendonitis and "internet diagnosed" myself with tendonitis.  (Tendonitis is caused by the tendons in your arm/hand/etc becoming inflamed.)  

I knew from other contacts that had had tendonitis that it can affect your playing abilities for the rest of your life and in some cases prevent you from being able to continue playing your instrument.  At this point, I began to freak out a little.  I couldn't give up playing my violin!  I loved it, and besides, I had a lot of performances coming up that I couldn't miss!  The next step was to go to the doctor to have my hand looked at.  Unfortunately, the doctor wasn't helpful at all!  All he could do was compare it to sports injuries.  He told me to take a few days off from playing and then I would be fine.  I was pretty frustrated.  I knew from many sources that if I kept playing, the pain would only get worse and eventually I would permanently injure myself.

I could give you all of the other details and tell you about all of the physical pain that my hand caused me, but that would take too long and you probably don't want to hear any more boring details of my injury.  So, what is the point of this blog post then?  Well, I wanted to share a really importance lesson with you that I learned because of my tendonitis--a lesson that I am still learning day after day.

As I struggled with the physical pain of my tendonitis, I also struggled with a lot the of questions and emotional pain that it caused me.  I knew that God had given me the gift of music.  I am not an incredible violinist, but I love music!  God gifted me with the ability to to glorify him with my violin playing.  All this I knew, but what I didn't understand was why He would take that away from me?  Why would God allow me to get an injury that would hinder my violin playing?  I thought God wanted good things for me?  I didn't have answers to these questions.  I couldn't figure out the "Why," and so for days I swirled them around in my brain.

At some point, I came to a point of grudging acceptance of my injury.  It wasn't going away, and I was doing the best I could to take care of it.  I had never realized what an outlet for my emotions my violin was until I had it taken away from me. I struggled with not being able to play as much as I wanted to and having to drop out of some performances because of my hand.  

But, God wasn't looking for grudging acceptance of the situation.  He was looking for total and complete trust in Him whether or not I liked the situation that He had put me in.

After a period of just shoving the emotions away so I wouldn't have to deal with them, I started to view them from a new perspective--the God perspective.  Slowly, I began to realize that I had been viewing my music from the wrong perspective.  I had been thinking of my music as my ability, my gift, my talent, my hobby.  But, it wasn't my music or my ability or my gift--it was all a gift that God had given to me and I needed to start treating it like that.  Once I began to view music as my gift from God, it was easier to let it go and allow Him to work things out.  He had given it to me, and if He thought it necessary, He could take it away.

Once I had my perspective on that issue worked out, I had an answer to my question, "I thought God wanted good things for me?"  He does want good things for me because He loves me very much.  But, sometimes those good things come in the form of lessons that He has to teach us.  Those lessons are sometimes hard or painful to learn, but they are important and God always knows what is best for us.  (Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a future and a hope.")  

Eventually, I came to terms with my injury because I trusted in God's sovereignty (His authority over everything).  Some days were still really hard, but I always came back to God's sovereignty and love for me.  He would never do anything to hurt me, only to teach me.

You might be thinking, well that's great, she learned about God's sovereignty, but can she still play her violin?

Yes!  I can play, and through God's provision and guidance I have begun a slow (but sure) healing process for my hand.  I am having to retrain a lot of my playing habits--which is a pain--but my hand doesn't hurt like it did before and I know I am on the road to a full recovery.  At times it is still frustrating, but I still see God's hand at work in my life.  I trust that God has the best plan for my life.  He can see it all when I can only see my immediate concerns.  I trust in His love and sovereignty and I am eternally grateful for all of the things He has been teaching me!